So, even a slightly upgraded cast (for this kind of thing) can’t fix a crummy script and tepid direction (or was it a tepid script and crummy direction?). Patrick Swayze can’t save it, Chris Kattan, and Carmen Electra can't save it and not even Tim Curry can save it. The terrible kid actors obviously can’t save it. The script is a black hole into which all these actors talents disappear.
The cast got my hopes up , a centimeter or two, higher than usual but this Christmas Wonderland was more of a Blunderland. (Ha! See what I did there... these are quality jokes folks!)
***
Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014)
First friggin' viewing
****
****
Hollywood hates Christmas.
They must because, even when they get a decent cast, they put zero effort into it.
It’s just a quick buck and a Canadian vacation. And the realization that their audience will watch just about anything with Christmas in the title.
Merry friggin Christmas shoulda been good, coulda been good, but it’s not, it’s depressingly mediocre. The low end of mediocre.
Plus the whole Robin Williams thing.
I won’t be putting myself through this again.
****
Mister Scrooge to See you (2013)
First Viewing
******
******
Tell him to go away and take his community theater Christmas Carol sequel with him.
***
Saving Christmas (2017)
First Viewing
****
****
The script for this one is about 1/10th of a notch above the standard for this level of kid's Christmas movie - almost as if a quirky kid's adventure film, that the screenwriter was actually slightly invested in, was clumsily shoehorned into a boring, predicable melted snowman of a holiday cash-in.
I'm guessing most of the budget went towards getting national treasure Ed Asner.
(I do, sort of, feel bad for film-makers laboring in the Christmas genre - it can't be easy to work under the Federal Governments Mandatory Ed Asner Christmas Film Inclusion Legislation.)
***
Naughty and Nice: Saving Christmas, due to The Ansner Rule, wins by default
Subpar animated adaptation that does correct Dicken's monumental mis-step in his version of the story and helps elevate it to a true classic. They give Scrooge a dog. A goofy cartoon dog. Yep, that fixed it.
Tim Curry is less Tim Curry-ish than usual and its nice to see perennial Santa Clause Ed Asner get to stretch out as Jacob Marley's ghost.
Totally inessential, but my kids didn't mind it back in the day.
****
Juleblod (Christmas Blood) (2017)
First Viewing | Amazon Prime
****
****
I had mixed emotions going in to Juleblod. On one hand I dislike Christmas themed horror (as opposed to seasonal ghost stories, which I love) - I can’t think of one I d want to watch at Christmas time (though I haven’t seen Krampus or Anna and the Apocalypse yet) on the other hand I’m a big fan of Nordic horror and I enjoyed director Reinhardt Kiil’s earlier
Nazi occult film The House. Unfortunately Juleblod turns out to be a Christmasized Halloween sequel spec script that somehow actually got made.
A failure as a spooky Christmas tale and a failure as a slasher flick.
****
****
The Borrowed Christmas (2014)
First Viewing | Amazon prime
****
****
There’s the germ of a good idea here - lonely rich guy tries to buy a Norman Rockwell Christmas at the local rental center, staffed by a struggling single mom, naturally. As I suffered through this no budget exercise in amateur theatrics, I couldn’t help but imagine what could have been, how easy it would have been to make a half decent movie from the concept.
No offense to the folks that made The Borrowed Christmas, I'm sure they're lovely people, but I found it pretty much unwatchable.
****
The Christmas Switch (2014)
First Viewing | Amazon Prime
****
****
From the director of Prom Night, and the stars of Species and Loch Ness Terror, comes this bizarre Yuletide take on Freaky Friday. A small time hood is offered a million bucks to body swap with a dying department store Santa. If that sounds intriguing to you then be forewarned, it’s not good. (I’d originally typed "it stinks" but realized I had actually watched the whole thing through to the bitter end, and while I wasn’t the least bit invested in story, it's weirdness at did keep me wondering what was going to happen next.).
****
Naught and Nice: Closest thing to nice is the mediocre musical cartoon A Christmas Carol.
Old ski nose does the holiday thing with guests Jack Benny, Nancy Wilson, Janet Leigh and, of course, Der Bingle himself. After a topical monologue (cactus in the White House, astronauts in their underwear) come the predictably goofy sketches and solid musical numbers.
The most chrismassy bit is a sketch featuring Jack Benny as an escaped mobster who breaks into Santa’s North Pole workshop. Jokes about Castro, Mickey Rooney and Cassius Clay ensure millennials will have no clue what’s going on.
A fun time capsule but one of the weaker holiday specials of the era.
***
Midnight mass from Ely Cathedral (1992)
First Viewing | Youtube
****
****
A lovely service. Sad to think that the number of Britons identifying as Christian has nearly halved since this mass was broadcast.
****
Garry Moore Show (Dec 1963)
First Viewing | Youtube
****
****
First rate old fashioned Variety show. Fun production numbers, Garry chats with a cartoon character, comedy duo Allen and Rossi perform a couple of fairly hilarious bits, Nancy Walker plays Rapunzel in a rather fractured fairy tale but the only solid Christmas content comes during the opening song and dance.
****
Bon Appetit From The Test Kitchen: Holiday Edition
First Viewing | Pluto Christmas in July
****
Apparently it's also Hanukkah in July and now I know how to make Latkes.
Bonus tip: Apparently you shouldn't let your oil get too hot while your cooking in the nude or you may fry your **** - well I'll let you watch and learn from this classy episode. Millennials are awesome!
****
One World Kitchen Bakes the Holidays
First Viewing | Pluto Christmas in July
****
****
Canadian cookery show One World Kitchen's holiday baking special on the other hand was fun and instructional and not nearly as cringe. Holiday recipes from Italy, Argentina, Japan and Thailand are featured and now I'm soooo hungry.
Third Rock From the Sun : Jolly Old St. Dick (1996)
Third Rock From the Sun : Happy New Dick (1998)
Repeat Viewing | Filmrise
***
****
A couple of fun holiday episodes from this classic sitcom. Probably my first time watching them since they originally aired . What a cast!
***
Pahappahooey Island: Christmas Episode (1999)
First Viewing | Tubi
***
***
Puppet based kid show I’d never heard of. Must be faith faith based because the human / animal/ robot inhabitants are putting on a nativity play. A Decent offering for younger kids and I’m sure familiarity with the characters could only have made it better. Not an unheralded classic but nice enough.
***
Molly and the Christmas Monster
First Viewing | Tubi
***
***
I feel a bit foolish watching kids shows, I graduated from having to watch these things years ago, but here I am, a slave to random program selection.
Pretty good, if a little bit weird (but that’s not a bad thing). Don’t imagine I’ll ever revisit it though, even once grand kids enter the picture.
Christmas ambiance video featuring festive scenes of primarily Very pleasant, gave the family room a nice relaxed holiday vibe. If it’s still streaming come Christmas I’d definitely throw this on to have as background
It turns out the same producer has a ton of these ambiance videos available on Tubi, so there are a bunch of options with different styles of music and visuals.
***
Naughty and Nice: 3rd Rock wins the nice - nothing was bad enough to earn the naughty.
Low budget short, straight outta Connecticut, about rivals gangs of d**kwads wrecking each other’s Christmas's. You can tell they were going for a certain '80's cult comedy vibe here but, for me at least, it never really drew me in. Good on 'em for making a short film and getting it on Amazon and everything but, I can’t really recommend it.
***
Christmas Holiday (1944)
Repeat Viewing | DVD
***
***
A minor classic, nearly an anti holiday musical. Noirish melodrama that, despite festive settings and decor, is no more a Christmas film than Die Hard is. The difference is Die Hard is a fun, if violent, adventure while Christmas Holiday is heartbreaking, bleak, depressing and dark drama. It’s also an expertly made film and worth seeking out, just not as a festive pick me up.
***
Get Santa (2014)
First Viewing | BFI Player
***
***
Santa crash lands in London, gets arrested (for attempting to liberate his flying friends) and it’s up to an ex con and his son to rescue the reindeer, find the sleigh and break Father Christmas out of prison - all the while reconnecting as family.
Cute idea with possibilities but, despite a solid director, it’s a bit of a train wreck. Not very funny, not very clever, not very heartwarming and more than a few off moments.
Not bad, but with such a great cast, led by Jim Broadbent as Santa, my expectations were probably too high.
***
The Brokenwood Mysteries: A Merry Bloody Christmas
Repeat Viewing | Acorn
***
***
One of my fave mystery series gave went the murdered Santa route for 2016’s A Merry Bloody Christmas. Set in rural New Zealand, Brokenwood follows Detective Inspector Mike Shepherd and his team as they investigate the remarkable high murder rate that quiet towns like Cabot Cove or the various Midsomer hamlets seem, somehow, to inspire.
***
Naughty and Nice: Trash Boys wasn't very good, Christmas Holiday is a great film but not really a "Christmas" movie, Get Santa should have been so much better. While I'm not a great fan of dead Santas, Brokenwood was probably the most enjoyable watch of the four.
