You know how upset people got with Netflix when they felt that the Dahmer miniseries had been mistagged? That's sorta how I feel when people call these Hallmark-style products Christmas movies.
This installment of my masochistic foray into assembly line holiday fare is a bit late because after subjecting myself to watching these flicks I couldn't face revisiting their memory to write up this post - until now.
Our Italian Christmas Memories
Yeah. I've experienced a fair few Italian Christmases over the years, and none of them were this dull, soulless, and phony.
Not a genuine or likable character in sight.
Unrewatchable
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The Royal Nanny
Meh spy comedy, meh romance, meh Christmas.
Nice to see Greta Scaachi, but that's about it. Still, not badly made, just not particularly well written. Letting a more skillful screenwriter give the script a thorough polishing would have fixed a lot. Alas...
Meh (as previously indicated)
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A Magical Christmas Village
I generally like Allison Sweeney in this kind of stuff, and it's nice seeing Marlo Thomas out and about but other than that, nada.
Unrewatchable
Let's try something from Lifetime
Reindeer Games Homecoming
Maybe it's because I was bummed that this wasn't a sequel to the underrated Ben Afleck action flick, but I actually, for the first time this season, dozed off during one of these. I don't think I missed much but what I saw seemed like a fairly good film school audition tape. Not scholarship material but with a few years of training, who knows, they might produce something that feels like a real movie. That would be cool.
Meh
Changing channels again to Great American Family...
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A Merry Christmas Wish
You had me at Jill Wagner, and Cameron Mathison is a pro but the script...oof. I feel like I've already seen this 20 times before, and often to better effect.
Meh
A Royal Christmas on Ice
What does it say about the genre when terrible filmmaker extraordinaire Fred Olen Ray makes one of the better Christmas romances, I've seen so far this year. It's not good, obviously, but it is a professionally produced TV movie, so it automatically rises toward the top of the list.
Watchable
Good lord, this has been a slog, and I'm not convinced that switching to a pair of Up releases will brighten my mood.
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A Tiny Home Christmas
Another real estate soap, this time it's a failing contractor trying to save the family business with some seasonal virtue signaling. Dreck.
Unrewatchable
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The Christmas Retreat
Home shopping Channel host levels of acting ability pair beautifully with home shopping channel levels of production design to make this forgettable flop.
Unrewatchable
One last Hallmark joint
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Love at the Christmas Contest
Even less original than a Merry Christmas Wish. It could have been a parody but made by people with no sense of humor.
Unrewatchable
Now it's Food Network's time at the tinsel trough...
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A Gingerbread Christmas
Can you get salmonella poisoning through a monitor?
Once again proving that not only has Food Network stopped making watchable food shows, but they're picking up Hallmark's sloppy seconds and producing crappy Christmas movies.
Unrewatchable
Last, but at least not least is..
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Holly and the Hot Chocolate
What's more ludicrous than food networks Christmas movies and yet totally on brand for these times? QVC making Christmas movies. And yet it sucks less than most of what I've suffered through in this ordeal. The script has some snap to it and a few of the performances are actual performances.
Considering QVC already has higher production values than most basic cable movies so maybe it shouldn't be a surprise.
