From broadcast TV…
Kelly Clarkson Presents: When Christmas Comes Around (2021)
I’m a fan of Kelly Clarkson but this special did nothing for me. I’ll just listen to the albums.
Silent Night: A Song for the World (2018)
The world continues to spin off its’ axis. This lovely documentary aired in primetime on the CW, the same CW that managed to produce a Waltons reboot that not only wasn’t awful but wasn’t tainted by a sleazy dance number by Cardi B or Mary Ellen having supernatural powers and a demon girlfriend. Wow!
Upstart Crow - Lockdown Christmas (2020)
I’ve watched a couple of episodes of this historical sitcom and come away underwhelmed. This pandemic-inspired Christmas special from last year has already aged poorly and it had quite a stench when it was fresh.
Now let’s hit Amazon Prime for some holiday cheer
The Christmas Edition (2020)
Competent, pleasant, and inoffensive.
Mistletoe Mixup (2021)
Against my better judgment, I clicked on this Lawrence family joint. That’s the same Lawrence Family (Andrew, Joey, Matthew) responsible for the already legendary Money Plane. Unlike Money Plane, there’s no Kelsey Grammar or Thomas Jane to gawk out and wonder how desperate for cash they must have been.
Mistletoe Mixup fares both better and worse than its’ airborne predecessor. On one hand, it’s less of a disaster since the stakes are so much lower - a romantic Christmas comedy comes with built-in low expectation while an action/heist flick needs to step up its game to compete. On the other hand, Money Plane is such a bizarre disaster that it will be watched and re-watched for years to come, while MM is just blah and forgettable (though the word cockfight pops up somehow) and only Lawrence fetishists and family members will want to come back for more.
So, didn’t much like it, didn’t really hate it and good on Clan Lawrence for keeping it all in the family.
The Bishop’s Wife (1947)
Time for a palate cleanser.
A classic I try to watch each and every season. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore, even when they try. If you distilled the essence of every Hallmark Christmas movie ever made it would still seem like brackish swill compared to films like The Bishop’s Wife. That may be the saving grace of crappy Christmas movies - they make you appreciate the good ones all the more.
On to Discovery Plus…
Candy Coated Christmas (2021)
Candy Coated Christmas proves that a change of venue doesn’t necessarily mean a better quality product. Marvista makes mediocre movies, even if they’re shown on Food Network and feature a stunt guest turn from a celebrity cook instead of a former sitcom star or soap actor.
This one disappointed a bit more since my wife liked and recommended it, plus it had Last Man Standing’s Mollie McCook and Dia Frampton who I remembered from her stint on The Voice.
Love at the Christmas Table (2012)
From crudmasters The Asylum and starring Hallmark stalwart Danica McKellar, this Lifetime romance turned out to be something I’d already seen. These things have such generic titles and Discovery Plus claimed it was a 2021, it wasn’t until I noticed how well preserved our Danica looked that I began to remember it.
It’s okay for this sort of thing.
A Discovery Christmas Story (2017)
Holiday special from 2017 featuring a bunch of Discovery Channel shows, none of which I was overly familiar with. It was fairly good, despite my not having much history with the shows or their casts back stories.
HBO Max (sigh)
So far, my HBO Max Christmas hasn’t gone too well but they do have loads of classic Christmas fare (which they use to lure you in and then foist garbage like Santa Inc on you with your subscription dollars). I’ve seen most of the good stuff time and again so I tend to look for movies and shows that are new to me or I haven’t seen in yonks.
The Polar Express (2004)
One of the highest grossing Christmas films of all time. A holiday classic, apparently.
This just has never worked for me or my family. Not only is the computer animation both ugly and creepy but the voice acting is subpar the script clumsy, and the songs forgettable. Nothing here sparks comfort and joy in me and it features some of the most bizarre scenes I’ve ever encountered in a mainstream studio holiday film. I think I might actually hate this movie. I can definitely say I think it could have been better as a live-action flick. It couldn’t have been worse.
12 Dates of Christmas (2021)
It looks like I’m 0 for HBO so far this season.
An abysmal holiday-themed dating show. I’m in hell.
How about Peacock…
The Facts of Life / Different Strokes Live
Vomit-inducing would be nostalgia porn. Unwatchable. From the creepy masked audience to the awful performances this misbegotten exercise in IP exploitation fits right in with the current fad for turning beloved franchises into merde.
Okay, I give up, it’s back to my own library of shows…
…and a press of the shuffle button in Plex presented me with a random episode of the 1973 Julkalendern “Jul i Mumindalen” ("Christmas in Moomivalley"), a festive Moomin tale that was a quaint watch, despite my feeble grasp of the Swedish language.
Here’s a taste, though not from the episode I watched.
Next up were a couple of festive installments of UK game shows…
Telly Addicts (1991) BBC versus ITV
Lots of familiar faces if you watched British TV last century plus some festive clips from Brit-TV past. Great fun.
3 2 1 Cinderella Pantomime (1980)
Wacky British game show with a special Christmas day edition.
Morecambe and Wise Christmas (1970)
Guests include Peter Cushing, Eric Porter Nina van Pallandt, and Edward Woodward. Not a lot of festive content beyond a rendition of The Christmas Song.
I closed out the session with the old favorite Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol.
